In Defense of Hayden Christensen

Everyone seems to bash Hayden Christensen's performance as Anakin Skywalker in Episodes II and III of Star Wars.  I admit, for a while, I used to do it, too.  However, I may have to rethink my position on the atrociousness of his acting.


In honor of Star Wars Day today, I watched the original Star Wars, now ridiculously known as Star Wars, Episode IV, A New Hope.  After seeing Mark Hamill's performance as Luke Skywalker and listening to James Earl Jones' voice over work for Darth Vader, I'm now inclined to think that Hayden Christensen is brilliant.  Just ... stick with me on this.


One of the complaints about Christensen's performance is that it was "too over the top."  Vader would never have been such a petulant prick.  Actually, in Episode IV, he was.  He's not the calm, almost Zen, Sith Lord that people remember from Empire and Jedi.  He chokes that rebel dude and then throws him across the room.  He yells - yells - at his subordinates.  "Commander tear this ship apart until you've found those plans!  And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!"  And he barks at Leia.  "You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor.  TAKE HER AWAY!"  Very much like Hayden's performance in Episode VI.


In the beginning of A New Hope, Luke is a whiny little bitch.  He's kind of whiny throughout the movie, but its especially bad in the beginning.  "But I was going to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!"  "But it's a whole 'nother year!"  "Aw, Biggs is right.  I'm never gonna get out of here!"  Similarly, Hayden Christensen's interpretation of Anakin Skywalker as also rather whiny.  Which leads me to think ... Christensen must have seen Episode IV and thought, "Okay, why is Luke so whiny?  Maybe its a hereditary personality trait.  So I'll make Anakin whiny.  That way, it will show that Luke is Anakin's son."  And then he must have thought, "Why is Vader so angry?  I know.  He's angry because things still haven't worked out for him and his whine has turned to rage.  So I'll play that."


Brilliant.  It's an amazing bridge between the characters to show how Anakin became Vader and how Luke is clearly his offspring.  Hayden Christensen's acting choices are sheer genius.  Until you look at his performances in his other movies and you realize, "No.  He really does suck."

My Starbucks Name

So Starbucks always asks for your name when you give your order.  I don't know why the name "Dylan" is so difficult.  But they never seem to get it right.  More often than not, they spell it wrong.  And when they do spell it right, they pronounce it wrong.  For a while, I was giving a fake name.  Something simple like "David" or "Chris."  Invariably there would be another David or Chris and then we'd have to figure out whose drink it was.  Some of the workers at Starbucks (I refuse to call them "baristas." Here's why) get all huffy when they have to take the time to say the customer's name and the name of the drink.  Apparently, that wastes precious seconds.  Others just seem to relish Starbucks-speak and, while it does help make things clearer, it's kind of annoying to hear them rattle off their lengthy coffee monikers.  


So using my own name is problematic, as is using a more pedestrian name.  Or, since I'm speaking Starbucks here, a name that's more "vanilla."  That's why, now, whenever they ask for my name, I just say, "The handsomest guy in the room."  That way, when my order is ready ... well, you get the idea.  Sometimes I'll look to see who's calling out the orders.  If it's a hot girl, then I'll give my name as "The best sex I ever had."  They usually refuse to do it.  So I give them an alternative.  "Free coffee for everyone."  That tends to make them more agreeable to the "best sex" name.

"Apparition" Book Trailer

Here it is.  The book trailer for "Apparition."  I think it's a little odd that books have trailers, too.  But, hey. That's the biz.

The Apparition of "Apparition"

Two years ago, almost to the day (I don't remember what day exactly), I began writing "Apparition."  I actually started writing it in August of 2009.  That's when I started mapping out the story.  Well, really, I started writing it sometime in 2002 or 2003.  That's when I had the idea.  And I thought, "That's a pretty good idea.  I don't know what to do with it.  Well, I'll put that away for a while."  Then I'd dig it up again.  And I'd think, "Yeah, that's a good idea.  What the hell is it?"

At the time, I was writing screenplays.  So, of course, I thought I was writing a movie.  I primarily wrote comedies.  So, for a while, this was a comedy movie.  But I couldn't get my head around what the "joke" was.  At least, what the joke was that would sustain an 90-120 minute movie.  So it became a thriller.  I was crap at writing thrillers.  But most thrillers are crap.  So why not?  But then I couldn't figure out what the real thrill was.  Then - you're gonna love this - it was a Disney Channel movie.  It wasn't an actual Disney Channel movie.  That's just what I thought I'd do with it.  The reasoning behind that was because I have two kids who were watching lots of Disney Channel so my frame of reference was really limited for a while.  But that's where I settled.

 

So I sat down trying to figure out the story.  All I had was the ghost of a boy was haunting this girl's bedroom.  I had to come up with why.  And I knew there had to be some conflict because I knew I would be bored if it didn't have a car chase or a fight or both.  And that begged the question, "How does a ghost fight?" In answering that question, I brainstormed for a solid ten pages about the physics and nature of being a ghost and then of life and the universe.  Yeah, it got kind of heavy.  But when I was done, I knew what the story was without having even written the story or a character name.  And I knew it had to be a book.

I'd never written a book before.  And I think not having any idea what I was doing was kind of freeing.  I was so married to the screenplay format. While I knew story structure would be similar, I wasn't going to be restricted by the time constraints of a movie.  I could just write and write and write and hope I wasn't boring anyone who happened to eventually read it.  In a little over a year, I finished my first draft.  I spent three months polishing.  I had some people read it and I got some positive feedback.  I'm sure there was negative feedback but I chose to ignore it.  That's why I won't ever go into therapy because I'm sure they will uncover those repressed memories and I'll just end up feeling miserable.  Ignorance may truly be bliss.  

Anyway, there were some questions I had to answer and things I had to clear up.  And there was more I wanted to do with this story.  So I decided to not only rewrite the book, but break the large tome up into three parts.  One, because I could say more in three shorter books than I could in one really big one and, two, because then I'd have three books instead of just one.  So I spent the summer and early part of the fall making changes and focussing on the first book.  And that's what this is.  The first of three.  I really hope you enjoy it.  And I really hope you recommend it to friends and family.  It's just such a relief to be done.  And now I have nothing to do ... but write two more books.  *whimper*  

But I'm going to do it.  Even if you don't read them.  Even if you don't read this one.  Even if you don't read this blog post.  If you're not reading this blog post, then I'm just writing to myself.  I wonder if that's crazier than talking to yourself.  You know what?  I'm too tired to try to figure that out.  Point is: the book is done.  Please buy it and read it.  And review it.  

Book Cover Results

I just want to thank everyone who took the time to vote for their favorite book cover.  And the result is ... both.  


Yeah, that kind of seems like a cheap-ass rip off.  I know.  But here's the deal.  One of them really struck the tone, or caught the vibe, or encapsulated (for those of you who like big words because they make you feel smart) the feel of the book.  At least, in my opinion.  And, frankly, in the opinions of some others who have read early drafts.  The other cover is actually going to be used for the third book in the series.  Well, a variation of it will be.  Because that one really hypostatizes (good word, huh? Don't you feel smart? Not me. I had to look it up.) the feel of the third book.  So, really both of them will end up being used.  


What am I going to do for the cover of the second book? Not sure yet. I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.  Meantime, if you want to see which cover will be used for the first book, Apparition, you're just going to have to wait until the book is released. In about a week. I know. I'm a horrible tease. It's what we authors (and I'm using that term loosely in reference to me) like to call a "cliffhanger."  And not the cliffhanger that was a horrible movie starring Sylvester Stallone.  The literary kind that keeps you waiting in anticipation.  Which I hope this does.  And then I hope when you finally see which choice became the cover that you actually buy the book and read it. And recommend it to everyone you've ever met. You can tell them you had a hand in choosing the cover, whether you voted for it or not. I'll take the blame for the contents.  And not just the table of them.  

My Love Letter to Miss Piggy

If Jim Carrey can do it ...

... then I can have the courage to do it, too.

Sandwich "Artist?"

Do I really have to call the guy who makes my Subway sandwich an “artist?”  I suppose one could argue that there is an art to making a really great sandwich.  But a sandwich artist?  The whole notion of ‘art’ really stems from something called ‘inspiration.’  And, let’s be honest, nothing is inspiring these people to make my sandwich other than my telling them what I want on it and their desire for a paycheck.  

The mere fact that I’m telling them exactly what I want on my sandwich completely debunks the perception that they are artists in the first place.  They are making absolutely no decisions on their own.  No one told Da Vinci exactly how they wanted the Sistine Chapel painted.  I mean, they may have had an idea about what they wanted, but the art itself was pretty much left to the dude with the brush.  As for the person making my sandwich, sorry.  You’re not an artist.  If anything, I’m the artist because I’m the one making all the decisions.  

Even then, I don’t get to make all of the decisions.  Because all I say is, “I want turkey,” and you put the requisite four slices on my footlong.  You didn’t even get to decide how much turkey to use and, really, neither did I.  Somebody in a franchise meeting a few years ago decided that four slices of turkey was going to be the standard and that was that.  So then, even I’m not a sandwich artist.  I’m more of a designer and you are a general sandwich contractor.  No, that doesn’t even work because you didn’t even bid to make my sandwich.  I just happened to come into your store and you happened to be the one to take my order.  And I’m not much of a designer either since I don’t get to choose the amount of ingredients nor the order in which they are added to my sandwich.  So, no, you are not an artist.  I refuse to call you an artist.  You make sandwiches.  You don’t need a fancy title or a clever name.  That’s just a bs way to make you feel better about your crappy job.  

It’s the same way I feel about calling the kid who makes my coffee a “barista.”  Just because they give you a job title in Italian doesn’t change the fact that you make coffee and warm up prepackaged pastries.  The janitor in my wife's office building isn't even a janitor.  He's the "Day Porter."  What the what?  What the hell is a "Day Porter?"  They clean the restrooms, empty the trash, vacuum the carpets.  So ... they're freakin' janitors!  Maybe if we called these jobs what they actually were, people would have a bit more motivation to strive for something better instead of lying to themselves that they have a good job.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking these jobs.  They are necessary and they require good, honest people doing good, honest work.  I respect that.  It's a good place to start.  But people are less likely to want to move up and out of these entry-level jobs when you call them something fancier than they are.  There are some advantages, however, to giving these crappy jobs fancy names.  A "day porter" is more likely to get a better job interview than a "janitor."  A "barista" is more likely to pick up the hot chick at the end of the bar than a "coffee maker."  And a "sandwich artist" is more likely to ... to ... apply to be a barista.