Somebody once asked me if I had any friends with benefits. I said, "I have lots of friends with benefits. They all have good jobs that give them medical, dental, and vision insurance coverage." Then they said that's not what they meant. Apparently, I had completely misunderstood the whole meaning of the phrase "friends with benefits." So I knew what I had to do. I had to start sleeping with all of them. That wasn't as great as I thought it would be. A very small number of them were even hot. And then with so many, it was hard to coordinate schedules. Then there was my friend Gary. He's, like, 67. That was so not a turn on for me. I was so happy when he retired. But then he started collecting social security and I was like, "Dammit!" So I just told him we couldn't be friends anymore.